


I'll Become What You Became to Me

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Feels Like Heaven [14]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 05:37:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6226036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This place, Manhattan, SVU, my world, it’s also my prison in some ways.  I need a furlough.  Going away sounds wonderful.  Going with you and Noah sounds perfect.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Become What You Became to Me

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to keep it light since recent events on the show have been heavy and have fans worry but when the characters have a story to tell, I try to tell it. The title comes from the Goo Goo Dolls song, Black Balloon.

Liv splashed cold water on her face. She tried to take a deep breath, failed, and splashed more cold water on her face. Gripping the sides of the sink, Liv did her best to breathe but it felt like a weight was on her chest. She shut her eyes tight and gripped the sink until her knuckles were white. When she opened her eyes and looked in the mirror again, his face was looking back at her. 

Liv covered her mouth so she wouldn’t scream as she stumbled back. It wasn’t real, he was dead. He was died, she was alive, and it was over. Joe was an angry, meth-addicted loser. Giving him her fear was a bad idea. 

There were real monsters in the world and Olivia had faced them down. She was not going to give this lightweight any more power over her. Closing the toilet seat, Liv sat down and closed her eyes again. She began to count backwards from 100. 

That always helped when she couldn’t breathe. Soon it wouldn’t be so difficult, her lungs would expand and air would fill her chest. All she had to do was take it slow. The fog would lift, she just had to give it a chance.

“I'm alright.” She said it quietly at first and then a little louder. Liv knew that she wasn’t alone anymore; she was being watched.

“OK.” Ed watched her but kept his distance. He heard her crying and struggling in her sleep. He woke as soon as she did but Liv didn’t notice and ran for the bathroom before he could say or do anything. She was sweating, trembling, and apparently having trouble breathing. Ed never felt so helpless in his life. 

His fists were clenched in fear and frustration, which surely wasn’t helping the situation. Olivia had PTSD. He couldn’t fix or cure her. Most of the time when it was happening, she didn’t even want him there. “Do you need a glass of water or anything?” he asked.

“No. You can't stand there, Ed, you can't hover over me. It’s triggering.”

“Right, OK. I’ll leave you alone.”

Liv nodded, turning her whole body away from him. Ed went into the bedroom and sat down on the bed. There was no way in hell he could just go back to sleep if Olivia was having a panic attack. There was nothing he could do but that didn’t mean that he would leave her alone. The urge to get up and move was palpable so Ed gave in to it. 

His first stop was to check on Noah. Since it was nearly 3 a.m., the toddler was sound asleep. He was having peaceful dreams and even though Ed didn’t want to wake him, he couldn’t help but stroke his face. After leaving Noah’s room, Ed checked all the locks. No monsters, metaphorical or otherwise, were getting in tonight. 

For a while he just stood in the kitchen to give Olivia some space. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. He thought about William Lewis and his jaw clenched. He thought about Joe Utley and his leg shook. Olivia didn’t need Ed to rescue her, she needed him to love her. 

That would never be a problem for him. The thing was, he'd known her for a lot of years. Olivia Benson was the personification of repression. Her life had been a roller coaster almost from the beginning, before she was even born in truth. Lately it had begun to spin out of control again. 

Ed had little doubt that Dr. Lindstrom was a good psychiatrist. He didn’t want to be invasive but he had Googled the man. But how much was Liv actually telling him? The whole story was enough to make the strongest stomach turn. How was she still standing after almost 50 years? Telling her that she was strong, that she could do it, wasn’t enough. 

Olivia was still here because she was supposed to be doing it. How many times had she told him that SVU was more than her job, it was her calling? Don Cragen trained her, taught her, loved her, and then left it all in her capable hands. Not even the strongest person could constantly hold the crumbling world together with both hands. Even superheroes needed mental health and vacation days.

“Ed?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Are you OK?” Olivia walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. He was just standing there in the dark seemingly immersed deep in his own thoughts.

“I'm fine. Are you feeling better?”

“I couldn’t catch my breath.” She replied. “I started to worry I might have a full blown panic attack, which only made me panic more. I finally took a Zoloft and it started to calm me down.”

“Is it alright if I hug you?”

“Please.”

Ed stepped into her personal space. He wrapped his arms around her and Liv exhaled. She didn’t even hug him back she just gripped tightly to the front of his tee shirt. They'd had such a good night together and he made the most amazing love to her before they fell asleep in each other’s arms. How could a night like that end in nightmares of being molested and suffocated by a sociopath? Ed was the only person other than her shrink who’d seen her have an attack. 

When Brian was around, Liv always hid it from him. He loved her but was in no way cut out for the caretaker role. Sometimes he tried to be but something about it always fell flat. She didn’t want Ed to think he needed to take care of her…that she was damaged goods. But there were plenty of cracks. So far he was still there.

“Whatever you need, just tell me.” He whispered.

“I need you to hold onto me.”

Ed nodded and did that. They stood holding each other in the dark kitchen. No one had ever held her after the bad dreams or the panic attacks. Ed asked her once if anyone looked in on her. They weren't even friends then so she didn’t dignify the question with a response. 

But the truth was that no one did. Liv pushed people away because it wasn’t easy to tell them what horrible things had happened to her. Once in a while she would call Rafael and he always listened but she never revealed too much. She didn’t want to tell people that she hurt so much sometimes. 

She didn’t want to see the pity or helplessness in their eyes. She didn’t want to see the disgust. Sighing, holding back the tears, Liv looked up at Ed. He clucked her gently under the chin, smiling some.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Ed.” She wrapped her arms around his middle.

“We’re going away on vacation soon.” He kissed the top of her head. “We’ll rent an SUV, pack it up, and take Noah with us. I think I’ll take you guys to Winona Lake. It’s boring but so charming…the picture of small town America. The nights are quiet and the sunrises amazing. We can take Noah on his first fishing trip…you can do cartwheels in my front yard. Let's just go for a week or so and leave Manhattan in the rearview mirror.”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Hell yes.”

“There's a bed and breakfast there…the best suite in the place has a balcony right over the lake and you can watch the sun rise and set there. I can take you there for a quiet weekend during our trip. Just the two of us with as few worries as possible.”

“I know I need to let go and get away. I work too much and I bury things that I should be working through. Believe me, I know all of this. This place, Manhattan, SVU, my world, it’s also my prison in some ways. I need a furlough. Going away sounds wonderful. Going with you and Noah sounds perfect.”

“Good. Do you want me to make you some tea to help you sleep?”

“I don’t know how much it will help.” Liv said. “The nightmare was pretty bad. The Zoloft is helping but the anxiety is still there.”

“Warm milk might help. I don't want you to try to sleep if you're scared or upset, but maybe you can relax. You go get in bed if you're OK with that and I’ll make you a mug.”

“Thank you.” She gave him a soft kiss on the lips.

Liv walked back to the bedroom while Ed busied himself by the stove. He turned on the range light so he wouldn’t be completely in the dark. Grabbing a small pot and the 2% milk from the refrigerator, he turned on the fire to heat it. He went to the cabinet and found the cinnamon and nutmeg before grabbing Olivia’s favorite mug. It was the one with Noah’s face on it and said I love my mommy. 

Ed loved how much Liv enjoyed being a mom. It wasn’t easy at her age with her job but Noah got every ounce of her attention that didn’t go to SVU. In the beginning he wasn’t even sure that she would have the time or energy to give to any kind of romantic relationship. He wouldn’t have blamed her no matter how he felt; raising a good kid was important. 

But somehow she found time for all of it. Work, motherhood, love, victim advocacy…Olivia Benson was a hero. Ed Tucker didn’t need to be her knight in shining armor. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to do his best to make her world a better place so she could do it for everyone else.

“Here you go.” He came into the bedroom, put the warm milk on the nightstand beside her and sat down on the bed.

“I really appreciate this, Ed.”

“It’s my pleasure to do whatever I can to make you feel comfortable and happy.”

“You do make me happy. It’s not easy, ever, to talk about what I've been through.”

“Well, if it makes it simpler…I have seen your personnel file. We never have to discuss what's in it but I could be privy to things that a lot of people are not. I'm sorry about that, in hindsight.”

“I forgot about that.” Liv smiled but it was sad.

“I shouldn’t have brought it up.” Ed said.

“It’s OK.” She caressed his face. “Being honest about that kind of thing is important. You probably know better than almost anyone that there have been some tough times in my life. I'm not going to let them define me. I let my work define me. 

“My son, and who he grows up to be, defines me. The people I love define me. This fuckin city defines me. But the creeps and the bad times don’t. They may keep me up some nights, there are consequences to all the good I've done. I'm never going to let them win.”

“I just want to say that you don’t have to go through anything alone, Liv.” Ed took her hand and squeezed it. “I know you might be used to that and I know you think it might be easier than telling someone a dark secret that you would rather keep to yourself. But I'm strong and I want to have your back. I want to make you warm milk and comfort you when you cry in your sleep. I know it’s not always easy to be touched when you’re panicking. Just know that I'm here and will do whatever you need to be safe.”

Liv nodded and hugged him tightly. She didn’t know if she would be able to sleep tonight but it was a comfort knowing that Ed would be beside her either way. She cracked the door and let him in. She was no longer standing in the dark room alone. Knowing that he might already know some things she would never say aloud made her feel better and not worse. 

He knew the enemy they were fighting; she wouldn’t have to take precious time to tell him the stories. He wouldn’t shrink away from the tough battles. They were both warriors, ready to fight the hounds of hell together. And when it was over they would be together to live another day.

“Drink up.” Ed pointed to the mug before getting up and going around to the other side of the bed. “You shouldn’t let that get cold.”

“Yes, Captain.” Liv smiled and picked up the mug in her hands.

“Well that was easy.” Ed climbed into bed beside her.

“Don’t get used to it.”

“I think I just might…I think I already have.”

***


End file.
